Interview with a Non-Scientist
by C. A. Matthews
With the recent March to End Fossil Fuels in New York and the deadly
floods in Libya and elsewhere, environmental crises and activism have
been talked about in the both mainstream media and podcast outlets
alike. Climate scientists like Peter Kalmus have preached the warning
far and wide that burning fossil fuels has heated our atmosphere
causing detrimental climate change and, more than likely, irreparable
damage to our planet. Green Party presidential candidate Dr. Cornel West has elevated the climate emergency by actually speaking about it on the campaign trail, unlike others running for the same office who somehow think expanding oil drilling on federal lands is a good idea.

Sane persons ask,
“What will it take for Big Oil to shut down forever and allow green
energy to take over? Why won’t our elected officials
listen to the concerned climate scientists instead of their obscenely
wealthy corporate donors? Why does the mainstream media tolerate #ClimateHoax people at the expense of #ClimateEmergency people?”
Why indeed.
I decided to track
down a climate crisis denier and ask them for their
perspective on recent happenings in the weather. Perhaps their
insights can answer these questions and clear up some of the
confusion. To that end, I put out a call and received a
response from one Freddie Flattearther. Here is the transcript of that interview:
The Revolution
Continues: Welcome to the The Revolution Continues blog,
Freddie. Thanks for taking some of your valuable time to talk with us.
Freddie
Flattearther: Thanks for this opportunity. It isn’t usual that a
communist organization is interested in hearing anything from the
sane side of this climate change argument, so I must admit I was
quite happy to oblige.
TRC: You’re
welcome. We’re not exactly a “communist organization,” but we
do pride ourselves on keeping an open mind and being one with the
workers. So, let’s start by you telling us a little about yourself
and why you feel you’re qualified to speak about the so-called
“Climate Hoax” you claim is currently happening.
FF: You could say
that I’m a proud non-scientist who knows tons more about the
climate changing than any of these so called “climate scientists” out there. You wonder what they’re teaching in
those colleges nowadays, but, whatever it is, it’s not commonsense.
TRC: It’s not
commonsense? Please elaborate on why being a “non-scientist”
makes you an expert in an area that others study for many years at a
high level of academia?
FF: I call it the
“They-can’t-see-the-forest-for-the-trees Syndrome.” Those
eggheads can’t even look at their calendars and see the main reason
why the climate is changing. You need an ordinary person like me
whose mind hasn’t been contaminated with too much knowledge to
explain it.
TRC: Please do.
FF: (Lowering his
voice.) It’s so simple that even a child can understand it. The
climate changes all the time. It’s called "the four seasons"—and I
don’t mean the pop group with Frankie Valli from the 1960s or the big, fancy hotel chain, either.
TRC: So the massive
floods, the unprecedented number of strong hurricanes so far this
year, the unusual heat waves and droughts worldwide are all due to a simple change of
the seasons? Is that correct?
FF: Well, not
exactly. The seasons are changing, but they’re also getting both longer
and shorter. Summer is about a month longer than normal I’ve
observed over the last couple of years. Hence, we had a very intense
hot spell in what used to be a month normally associated with spring. There’s also a big chance they’ll be a larger than average number
of hurricanes occurring because summer is longer, so there’s more
room on the calendar to squish them in. I call this the “Rubber
Band Effect.” Eventually we’ll snap out of it.
TRC: How will we
“snap out of it”?
FF: The giant rubber
band wound around the core of the planet will eventually break,
bringing things back to normal.
TRC: There’s a
giant rubber band wrapped around the core of the planet? I wasn’t
sure you believed in a round Earth with a core, what with your last
name and all, Mr. Flattearther.
FF: My family used
to believe in a flat Earth, but I’ve grown a little in my outlook
over the decades. A flat Earth makes it hard to explain a lot of
planetary events. However, the rubber band core explains earthquakes and the
climate changing dramatically quite well.
TRC: This rubber band core explains the
devastating earthquake in Morocco recently?
FF: Yes, that was
the rubber band core being bounced hard by the giant who lives
on the dark side of the moon.
TRC: (Clearing throat.) There’s a
giant on the moon who bounces the earth’s core now and then?
FF: Yes, and he
bounces it mostly when he’s bored. He’s grown very bored these
past fifty years because we haven’t sent up any more spaceships to
the moon for him to slingshot them around. It’s one of the biggest
reasons why it’s been growing hotter lately.
TRC: (Nodding slowly.)
Uh-huh. Explain how that works. And does this giant have a name?
FF: Those intense heat
blasts come out of the giant’s mouth. He’s full of hot air, so
I’ve given him the name of “Mr. Gassy.” And he is a stinker! His
burping and farting explains why our air smells rather rank like
rotten eggs sometimes, especially when the wind is blowing from the
side of town where the oil refinery is located.
TRC: You don’t
believe the obnoxious smells are coming from local manufacturing
and/or the oil refinery itself?
FF: Nah, they
couldn’t be. I know for a fact that our factories and our oil
refinery only emit the purest of air.
TRC: (Raising an eyebrow.) Really? How do you know
this to be true? Most people would say that the bad smells are
indicative of the pollutants being spewed out of the smoke stacks.
FF: Of course it’s
true! Why would Exxon or Chevron lie to us? They take care of little ducklings
and goslings whenever they’re in need of a bath. There’s a TV
commercial that shows this to be true.
TRC: You mean the
dish soap commercial showing people washing oil off of wild birds’
feathers after they were got caught in an oil slick? Okay, I see where now
you’re possibly getting your ideas. Do you always believe whatever
you see or hear on television?
FF: For the most
part, yes. There’s no reason for the big corporations to lie to us.
They live on the same planet with us. Why would they pollute their
own air and water, for instance? (Laughing.) I bet you don’t have a
good answer to that!
TRC: No, I don’t.
There is no good reason why anyone or any corporation would pollute
their own air and water, but they do. As they say, “It's an ill bird that fouls
its own nest.”
FF: See? I told you
there’s no real reason to worry about a “climate emergency.”
(Miming quote marks.) The corporations are looking after us like they look after those sick birds. We can
trust them because they’re smart, unlike our politicians. They’re
all a bunch of morons.
TRC: On that point,
we’re agreed. Politicians are, for the most part, unethical morons,
but how can we be so sure we’re not being duped by Big Oil, for
instance?
FF: I’m sure
they’re not lying to us, because if I ever found out they had lied
about the quality of their product, gasoline, I’d stop buying so
much of it for my Cadillac Escalade and buy one of those plug-in
electric cars instead. I’d be downright angry if I ever found out
how their products caused the earth to become hotter or dryer in the
summer months or caused deadly flooding and storms where normally
there aren’t any. Lots of people like me would stop buying
gasoline, and that would put the oil companies out of business. They’re not
stupid. They rely on people like me to stay in business.
TRC: They certainly
do. So, you’re not angry about Mr. Gassy the giant bouncing the
earth or batting it about?
FF: No, not really.
It’s just the way he is. I just hope the US can nuke China soon so
we can prevent the Chinese from sending any more space probes to the
dark side of the moon. It annoys him.
TRC: Uh, yeah. Do you
feel that nuclear war is winnable?
FF: All wars are
winnable—if you have Mr. Gassy on your side.
TRC: Yeah, I thought you might say that. It’s been quite an experience chatting with you, Freddie
Flattearther. Everyone, be careful out there and try not to get on the giant’s
bad side. It seems the future of everyone on Earth is counting on it.
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https://youtu.be/1rJHlFME480?si=H4t1ymTZIsP3zyUx
Civil Society Reactions To United Nations Climate Ambition Summit https://popularresistance.org/civil-society-reactions-to-united-nations-climate-ambition-summit/
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