Saving Private Property

Saving Private Property 
An interview with A. Riche-Persson

Editor's note: Many readers expressed curiosity about the mind behind the recent blog piece, Why I Adore Joe Biden, so we decided to ask its creator, A. Riche-Persson, back for a brief interview about her take on recent events.

The Revolution Continues: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Ms. Riche-Persson. May I call you Ayn?

A. Riche-Persson: No, you may not, but thanks for the chance to speak to your (*snorts*) audience. It's high time the American public heard the real story.

TRC: The real story?

ARP: Yeah, you know... The real story about how hard it is to be rich in this country nowadays with all these crazy commies and Black Lives this and that and whatever people running around with signs and forcing you to wear a mask in public. (*sniffs*) It smudges my lipstick.

TRC: I see. First off, please tell us what's so difficult about having enough to eat, designer clothes on your back, and a decent place to live in America?

ARP: You make it sound like I control everything in the world with my money. Not so! It's not like I can go to my favorite place to nosh anytime I like anymore--the darn Chinese have made sure of that with their Wuhan flu and mask-wearing cult! And buying clothes online is sooo boring! I miss my front row seats at the catwalks of Paris and Milan.

TRC: But you do have a mansion to live in during your state's COVID lockdown, don't you?

ARP: Yes, but it's a small mansion--we only have a five car garage. We have to park one of the Bentleys on the drive occasionally when we're pulling our his and her golf carts out. It's tacky, I know.

TRC: That must be a real hardship for you. (Shuffles papers.) All right, let's get down to the topic you wanted to cover, protecting private property. Can you explain why this is such a vital issue for you?

ARP: Why? Isn't it obvious? I own property and it's mine. All mine. I can't have the riff-raff running about messing up my property or attempting to take any of it. I have the right to protect it.

TRC: Protect it by brandishing firearms at unarmed individuals like the McCloskeys did in St. Louis?

ARP: If need be. My stuff is very important to me. I can't live without some of it.

TRC: But you can live with a lot less you're saying? Like one less Bentley?

ARP: (*gasps*) Who would want to live with only one Bentley? That wouldn't be a life worth living!

TRC: What do you think life is like for those who can't even afford one vehicle, let alone six?

ARP: Ha! Don't be silly! Everybody has a car in the US. It's like a requirement for citizenship. How would you get around town without a car? It's not possible, so your argument is completely specious.

TRC: Oh...kay. So, what do you think life is like for people of color who are  pulled over in their cars and threatened by law enforcement simply because of their race or socio-economic position?

ARP: Are you kidding me? That's all fake news. It says, "All people are created equal" in the Declaration of Independence or something like that. The police don't treat black or brown people any different from anyone else in America. I mean, I got pulled over the other day for doing seventy in a school zone and the cops didn't treat me that bad at all. They just wrote me a ticket and said, "Have a nice day, ma'am." No big deal.

TRC: Speeding in a school zone? There were no children present, I hope.

ARP: I don't think so... No, I didn't hit anyone this time.

TRC: (*Coughing*) This time? Okay, let's not go down that road. (Shuffles papers.) To restate, you believe that you as a wealthy white woman receive the same treatment from the police as a poor person of color does?

ARP: Of course. Why would the police treat people any differently? Oh, sure, they'll be harder on criminals, but criminals deserve the rough treatment. That's why the cops have to pull their guns and shoot them. Criminals are asking to be shot.

TRC: And peaceful protesters walking down a street? Do they deserve to be shot?

ARP: If they're criminals, sure. That'll teach them not to walk down my street again!

TRC: Interesting. How can you tell who's a criminal and who isn't?

ARP: Hmm... By looking at them, I guess. The security officers who work in our home owners' association always stop people who aren't members of the country club. They can just tell.

TRC: Do these people who are stopped by security tend to be darker in skin tone than most of your fellow country club members?

ARP: Now that I think about it, some of them are a bit darker than me and my friends. But the security guys stop white people, too--especially those who dress like slobs and walk on the sidewalks instead of driving a decent car like all red-blooded Americans should. You know the type... Crazies with their #DefundThePolice signs, shouting "No Justice, No Pizza!"

TRC: "No Justice, No Peace!"  is what they're chanting. Do you believe your local police department should use tear gas, rubber bullets and other military grade equipment on peaceful protesters?

ARP: If that's what it takes for me and my family to keep our stuff out of their dirty hands, then I'm all for it. What's the difference between shooting at commies here at home or those abroad? We've got to wipe out the enemy no matter where they live on the planet. It's our duty as Americans.

TRC: Protesters of police brutality and racial profiling are "communists" in your opinion? They're not just ordinary people who are sick and tired of the injustices inflicted upon them and their fellow citizens by biased policing?

ARP:  How could they be "ordinary" when they're asking for the moon? They want the cops not to beat up on them, but they're just asking for it by looking the way they do and thinking everyone deserves free health care and $15 an hour. How could anyone afford to pay all those no-goodniks $15 an hour? It would cause corporations to go bankrupt my banker says. I don't even pay my pool boy that much.

TRC: Do you provide health care or paid sick leave for your pool cleaner?

ARP: Of course not! What do you think I'm made of? Money?

TRC: Frankly, I'm not sure you're made of flesh and blood at this point. But I thank you for your insights, Ms. Riche-Persson. This certainly has been a very enlightening interview.

ARP: You're welcome.  I aim to inform. It's the least I could do for you and your "ordinary" blog audience. (*sniggers*) You all need to know who's in charge in this country so you can put down those rude signs and get back to playing video games or whatever it is you people do when you're not mowing our lawns or shouting for pizza.

BIO: A. Riche-Persson is a professional socialite who dabbles occasionally in politics, tennis, and pinochle. If it keeps her in diamonds, she's all for it. It it's anything to do with anyone outside of her social bubble, well... She's late for her tennis lesson. See you at the club!

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