A Very Stinky Story (or “Operation Epstein Slurry”)
by C. A. Matthews
Once upon a time there was a big, big boat sailing across the wide, wide open seas. This big boat had a very special task. It was sailing halfway around the world to fight a war for “freedom and democracy” and, of course, to control others’ oil production in order to maintain a stable petrodollar as the world’s reserve currency.
It didn’t make a difference that the big, big boat—affectionately known as “Jerry” to its friends—really needed to go home and have some repairs done first. It didn’t matter that its young crew (average age only 19 years old) had been gone from their homes and families for almost a year. It didn’t matter that they needed some down time to recuperate between missions. Oh, no, no, no! A big Orange Man called “the president” told Jerry to sail halfway around the world and do as it was told. Now.
The true reason Jerry and its crew couldn’t rest and be with their families was because Orange Man was afraid of the Boss Man, the real ruler of the Orange Man’s country. Not everyone in the Orange Man’s country realized this, but Orange Man always did as he was told by the Boss Man. Boss Man threatened Orange Man that he had a great big briefcase full of naughty pictures and not-so-nice stories about Orange Man’s favorite activity of hurting little girls in very mean and very ugly ways. So, Orange Man always did as he was told to by Boss Man. It was safer that way.
Boss Man told Orange Man that he wanted Jerry—and his fellow big boat friend Abe—to sail to the ancient Land of Flying Carpets to fight a war for “freedom and democracy” right away. Boss Man was tired of this particular war being put off again and again. Boss Man reasoned that if his his tiny pretend country wasn’t at war all the time his own people might send him to jail because of some not-so-nice things he had done in office.
So Orange Man agreed and told Jerry and its crew to get going. It was time to do some killin’! (Killing is one of the bosses’ favorite activities.)
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